KOA

he's usually there sitting on the corner he's usually there early in the morning sitting on the corner at the corner of park presidio and fulton and i see him when i come out of the park with my dog with my rotty and with my other dog actually my daughter's dog or maybe it's my wife's dog i know that it's not my dog i have a hard time liking her as a dog she's a longhaired miniature daschund i can barely even spit out the entire name before nightfall but i don't mind liking her if i think of her as something other than a dog just some cute little furry creature a ferret a weasel or some rodent-looking thing although i have to admit i never understood the purpose of having a gerbil or guinea pig what the fuck is that all about i guess it saves them from becoming science experiments at estee lauder

anyway he's usually sitting there and he's just another homeless guy in the city holding a sign he's a bum he's a hobo he's a traveler he's down and out he's a veteran from vietnam persian gulf or other assorted military forays he's a guy who's sitting on the street corner near my house what to do what to do what to do a dollar doesn't mean shit to me what the fuck can i do with a dollar anyway why not give it to this guy why not why not and sometimes i do if i have it on me sometimes i do i just give him a dollar sometimes a couple but sometimes i don't sometimes i don't give him anything sometimes my heart isn't there for some reason or other and i don't give him anything sometimes i give him a dollar if one of my kids is with me hoping that they'll learn that we need to be generous or hoping that they'll feel that their old man ain't so half bad

he's usually there in the morning i don't know where he goes at night i am curious but i am afraid to ask

i'm not afraid of him i'm not afraid of him hurting me or my kids i don't know why since all the news programs tell me that i should be i should be afraid i should watch out neighborhood watch take a bite of crime because these guys are bad bad bad and they are alcoholics and they are drug abusers and they are just plain fucking criminals that will kidnap your babies and bugger your neighbors and eat your dogs but i'm not afraid of him that way i'm afraid of knowing him i don't want to know him i'm afraid of knowing him i'm afraid of knowing how close i am to him i'm afraid of circumstance i know that circumstance is contagious hey maybe his bad luck will rub off on me jesus jesus what would i do i know that serendipity is one fickle bitch that will fuck me right up the ass with a big blue strap-on if i let her get too close i can't let that happen i can't let that happen

but i don't know his story

sometimes it's a fucking koa campground around here in the redwoods in the park and with all the people pulling their vans campers winnebagos converted school buses and even fucking silver airstreams up on the park side of the street it's such a fucking juxtaposition it's like the proverbial railroad tracks it's like the fucking most bizarre thing in the world we live in houses on one side of the street on our side of the street across from but sitting on the park probably one of the most beautiful city parks in the fucking world and we live on our side of the street in houses that cost probably a million fucking dollars if i bought it today blue light special with a nice down payment and a qualified loan and the proper insurance and we make sure that there are no fucking encumbrances don't want any fucking encumbrances by golly by gosh and on the other side of the street on the park side of the street there are guys pissing and shitting in the woods and using coleman stoves and leaving empty bottles and hell just living i guess i'm afraid of knowing them

i say hello to them in the morning when i walk my dog i am a noble mother fucker i say hello to them like we're cordial neighbors and for the most part they say hello back to me like we're cordial fucking neighbors yeah sometimes you get your run of the mill crazy that likes to swing his arms around they are always a him by the way hardly ever a she by the way but sometimes you get your fuckers your guys that just had one too many nights under the stars just a little too long without their meds just a little just a little just a little

and i say hello to them in the morning and i don't so much really worry about the campers in the woods unless i see them building a fire and even then i don't really saunter up them hang out with them by the fire and ask them to be careful you see my house is right across the street and just one good wind through here it's the dry season it's the fall it's fire season and just one good wind through here and my fucking house will burn down you stupid mother fucker what are you thinking no i don't say that i pick up the phone like a responsible citizen and i call my local precinct the richmond station and they tell me they'll send a car around to check it out and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't but i feel like i've done my job

and sometimes when i see them across the street sitting in their silver airstream well i can't really see them but i can see the blue glow of their television set their fucking television set they're fucking watching television while camped out across the street from my house it ain't fucking jellystone park and i ain't yogi bear or any other sort of yogi

but i can't just sit here can i and let them watch television across the street from my house in their silver airstream i mean that fucker costs a lot of money why don't they head on down to the trailer park

and i just go to bed and the next morning i take the dogs for a walk and i give the guy a dollar if i have one on me and maybe i'll take the time to hear his story

maybe not

Jesus Loves Me

jesus came to me today on my swim, opened the skies and and opened my eyes and just let the whole day pour down upon me...jesus, of course, was wearing a short black mini-skirt and a tanktop, and speaking german, much like most of the tourists down at the wharf, but she was jesus, i know she is, at least, i know she was this morning, couldn't have been anyone else, couldn't have been, i'll be dreaming about her up on the cross tonight, but every day, jesus comes to me one way or the other, in one form or another, in sort of a joan of arcadia kind of way, know what i mean, i mean, afterward, though, while i was driving down the road, kicking back on the way to my office, the one down in redwood city, opting to turn off the cd player and listen to bobby edwards moan on about something or other, about this or that, but bobby wasn't there, bobby had taken a break, and he was replaced by herr president, and i only caught this one line, this one sentence, this one statement, muttered by herr president, and he said, after rebuking some reporter who tried to ask a question, he said, the world is a freer and more peaceful place under my watch...glory be, glory be, glory be.  ok, so i added the glories, but he said the other, and i almost wrecked the car because i ended up spitting out a very hot mouthful of coffee, onto my pants around the area where jesus was really affecting me, and was wondering if i would be counted as a casualty of the war on terrorism had i died in such a crash, but i could not believe my ears, i could not believe that this guy has the balls to stand up in front of the country and say such shit. 

freer and more peaceful. 

safer and more secure.

eat a peach for love, baby, because we all just might be seeing jesus sooner than we think...

happy birthday

my oldest son turns seventeen today. he's my favorite oldest son. i like him better than any of the other oldest sons that i've ever had. i like him better than cane syrup. i like him better than warm chess pie.

i like the way he walks into a room, i like the way he is still a little afraid of strange insects and calls them jumanji. i like the way that, no matter how i've pressured him since he was the age of six to pierce his ears, he has resisted. i like the way that, instead, he dyed his hair blue and spiked it.

i like the way that he is himself.

i like the way that he believes in the truth.

i like the way that he lives what he believes.

i like him better than lying on my back on a grassy lawn on a fall afternoon. i like him better than floating on my back in the chilly bay waters on a summer morning.

i like him because i love him, and i love him because i like him.

happy birthday, big guy.

peace, love and jah.

ted

ted is a marine. i guess, technically, he's a marine reservist. he's been called up for active duty for the last two years. he went to macedonia for a while. i like the sound of macedonia. it is so fucking frank zappa. mass uh DOAN yuh. give me, your dirty love, macedonia.

ted has been a marine reservist for the last 19 years. he will have earned his 20 year whatever early next year. i think it's a medal or something.

his unit went to iraq. he stayed behind to be the notifier for the bay area. if someone is interviewed here in the bay area, it is usually ted. and, he calls the families of his unit. and he gives them hope and encouragement. he is the message man.

ted is a ted. a real fucking ted.

i had not seen ted in over five years. we used to work together. we were at glen's wedding. i sat with ted and his girlfriend holly at the wedding. holly was hot. hot holly. hot hot holly.

ted and i don't see eye to eye on much. we never did, but we worked together. america the beautiful. america the fucking beautiful. we toasted glen and his new bride, and we said amen together at the end of the prayer.

ted is a marine.

ted's girlfriend holly told me that she could pick him off with her rifle at 500 yards. but, she would need a scope. ted said that he would not fuck around on her, because she could pick him off with her rifle at 500 yards. i can appreciate balance in a relationship.

ted is a marine.

i asked holly if she would wear a uniform for me while she pointed her rifle at ted. holly told me that she hated the military. she told me that she wouldn't work for anyone who made her pee in a cup. holly was so fucking hot.

but, she will not wear a uniform. she chooses not to wear a uniform. ted chose to wear a uniform.

ted had a choice. he could have not joined the marines 19 years ago. but he did. he chose to join the marines. i don't really respect this choice, but i respect ted. i never asked ted if he killed anyone. i'm sure ted could kill someone if he so chose.

ted is a human being.

i hate ted the marine. i kind of dig ted the human being.

fuck.

fuck, fuck, fuck.  cayenne fuck.  blackened fuck.  hot and spicy mango chutney fuck.  wasabi fuck.  fucking kosher horseradish on gifilte fuck fish fuck.  dave's fucking insanity sauce fuck.  cinnamon jelly bean fuck.  habanero fuck.  curry fuck.  hunan fuck.  szechuan fuck.  kung pao fuck.  chile fuck-carne fuck.  mole fuck.  huevos fucking rancheros fuck.  brunswick fucking stew fuck.  barbee-fucking-q fuck.  hot links fuck.  lobster frau diablo fuck.  kim fucking chee fuck.  fuck, fuck, fuck.

thanks, i feel better.  much fucking better.

maybe i'll go write something about writer's block now, or about being a writer, or about pondering my belly button somewhere in butt fuck, kansas...but i know i'll end up fucking my muse instead of writing for her.  she's so fucking hot...

Black Hole

i had to be up anyway, i had to be up and take my daughter to the place that she had to be, she had to be there at five a-fucking-m, on a saturday, a saturday morning, fuck fuck fuck, ah, what the hell, i'm already up let's go on down to the club, i haven't been in the water since last sunday, hell, let's go on down and get one under my belt, so i went for a swim earlier than usual today, and it was dark, it was fucking dark, it was so fucking dark, and the water was so fucking still, and there were no morning stars, only the lights on above ghiradelli square, big old fucking sign all lit up, and a few assorted street lights, no one was out, not a soul was around, hell, even the hookers had gone to bed, and i walked out onto the beach and i waded out into the water and i dove into the cold blackness, and i disappeared.

i fucking disappeared.

it was five fucking thirty in the a-fucking-m and the water has been colder. and it was fucking dark. water was a little chillier, definitely getting colder, might be a fucking cold winter, but it's got to be 57 now, maybe 56, not so cold as it's going to be this winter, not so cold that i couldn't get it up for you, baby, when you walk onto the beach, all ready to go, all ready to go for me.

i fucking disappeared into the icy darkness. it was beautiful. i died and it was beautiful.

i put my head down, and i just stroked it, baby, one, two, three, breathe, one, two, three, breathe, flutter, flutter, one, two, three, breathe, get into the zone, swing into the zone, but in total darkness, lost in the fucking darkness.

i have this love-hate relationship with the darkness, i embrace her and i am scared to death of her, i fuck her, and i am fucked by her. i guess it's pretty balanced.

when i was thirteen, my cousins said, don't worry, man, it's ok, man, i have never, ever got you into anything that i didn't know was cool, little cousin, so don't worry, just drink a little, it tastes horrible, but we've mixed it with a little kool-aide, grape kool-aide, it's going to be so cool, man, and here, take this, too, it's cool, this pink-T, yeah, man, it's THC, yeah, man, it's the fucking best, man, it's the fucking best, man, trust us, my cousin.

so i fucking did.

i drank that fucking glass full of boiled mushroom juice, mixed with fucking grape kool-aide, and i took that THC, which of course wasn't any fucking THC but was probably just some fucking PCP or horse tranquilizer or some bullshit.

they were eighteen and seventeen and i was thirteen.

we were out in the middle of the fucking woods out in the middle of the country in the middle of fucking southwest georgia in the middle of fucking nowhere. we were so far out in the middle of nowhere and it was so fucking dark, i mean there was not a fucking star out in that godforesaken spot, not a fucking star, not a light other than the red buds of cigarettes of those who were smoking, we were so far out in the middle of nowhere that i thought i was being sucked off the fucking face of the earth, the fucking middle of nowhere spot we were standing on was so far removed from any place else that the old bag, the earth herself, decide to simply spin it off into space, she didn't need her, and so this spot was spinning, and i had to hang onto a little sapling to be kept from spinning off the fucking earth by this cunt that simply couldn't find her asshole and this tree was bending over and giving herself to me but eventually i was spinning around so much on her that she came out of the ground and for one split second i was sailing through the darkness, tripping my fucking thirteen year old brains out with my asshole redneck cousins, and for one split horrifying second i was sailing through the darkness and feeling like i was a fucking goner, and i lost my breath, and i couldn't see, and i had this fucking sick feeling in my stomach that nearly caused me to shit in my pants

they were eighteen and seventeen and i was thirteen.

and i swam out into the darkness and tried to find a straight line across the cove but it was dark and it is very very very difficult for me to swim straight especially when it is so fucking dark and kind of fucking cold, not as cold as it will get, but still kind of fucking cold, it is fucking five thirty in the a-fucking-m, but i make it to the flag, and i make it back to the dock, and i decide to go it again, and the repeat is a little easier, and a few other lights have come on, and i ran into a buoy, it kind of fucking hurt

i don't remember how we all made it back i'm sure that one of those stupid fuckers drove and they probably drove very very very fucking fast and i'm sure i'm sure i'm sure that we were passing cars if there were cars to be passed and that i sat in the backseat i always sat in the back seat except for the one time that they were too drunk and i had to drive them -- ok, yeah, that was kind of fun -- but most of the fucking time i sat in back.

it's always a wonderful feeling when you you come out of the water, but today, this morning, to come up out of the water, onto the beach, in the pitch black, not really knowing where the water ended and the air began, my body temperature had dropped, and the air was about the same as the water, to come up out of the darkness, it's like falling falling falling all over again.

we made it back and i slept.

peace, love and jah

three hundred plus rooms in this fucking hotel and they're all full.

three hundred plus rooms in this fucking hotel and they're all full with the greater north carolina gang enforcement officers.  here is a policeman, there is a policeman, i feel safe, i feel safe, i feel safe, until i bring out my little stash, sneak it out, sneak it out, oh, my, i've committed a federal fucking crime, transporting class one drugs across state lines, oh, geeze, oh, my, oh, my, lions and tigers and bears, oh, my, and there are fucking freedom fighters all around me, and i know they want me, i know they want me, i know they want me, but they will have to find me, they will have to find me they will have to find me and search me, um, baby, you think they will search me there, or there, oh, yes, touch me there, i just love a woman in a uniform, i just love a woman in a uniform, throw me down, baby, throw me down and interrogate me, slap on the cuffs and interrogate me like the officer you are, um, baby, um, baby....

right across the hallway, a fucking hospitality suite filled with officers of the greater north carolina gang enforcement organizations, and i feel safe, as they drink and yell and stumble down the hallway, their hands around the necks of their women, their women, their babes, their chicks, their little cum on me sluts wearing their cute little knock me down fuck me quick shoes, heels reaching all the way down to hell and back, yeah.

they are here to learn about being a good cop.

they are here to share their knowledge of gangs in the greater north carolina area.  black gangs.  hispanic gangs.  bored suburban white kid gangs.  vietnamese gangs russian gangs redneck gangs klan gangs.  jesus gangs.  gang bangs.

when i was fourteen, my older cousins invited me to join them in a gang bang, they were older than me i was younger than them and i went with them because i didn't want to not go with them i wanted to wanted to wanted to be with them because they were the only cool i knew and we drove out to a secluded spot and we drove out to a very secluded spot and another car drove up and there was this girl in the other car with another guy i knew and this car that they drove up in had a hatchback and the seats folded down and the hatchback went up and there were four guys and me and this girl, who was younger than them but older than me and she was a little drunk and she was maybe a little more than a little drunk and she was flirty and she was sexy in a south georgia redneck kind of way and i knew her but i didn't know her in that carnal way in that carnal way that these guys were about to know her she was she was she was

and they gave her beers and she drank beers and she spilled beers on herself and laughed and these guys were kissing her and she was kissing them back and i just sort of watched mesmerized and i was mesmerized and then one of the guys kissed her and she kissed him and he pulled her shirt over her head and threw it over toward me and i picked it up and put it on top of the car and she took off her bra and he kissed her breasts and another guy kissed her breasts and another guy was feeling her breasts and they moved her over to the back of the car and they picked her up and placed her in the back of the car with the open hatch with the seats down and they helped her take her pants off and they helped her take her panties off and then, one at a time, they moved on top of her and dropped their own drawers and moved on top of her and one by one by one by one they fucked her and the car went up and down and up and down and up and down and there was moaning and groaning and laughing and guys standing around outside the car pointing fingers and laughing and fucking and laughing and fucking and when they were all done and she was all quiet in the back of the car with the hatchback open and the seats down when they were all done my oldest cousin asked me if i wanted a turn and i needed to be a man i needed to be a man i needed to be a man but i shook my head and they all laughed at me and i know that i should have been a man but i just went over to the back of the car with the hatchback open and gave the girl her shirt, sort of tossed the girl her shirt and she said thanks.

weren't these guys a gang where were the officers of the greater north carolina gang enforcement agencies then where were these officers then i think that this young lady should have had the benefit of these officers showing up with a little blue light flashing and just ask, ma'am, you look like you are in the midst of a gang, would you like a little help.

but they weren't there they are here tonight.

maybe they will help her next time.

i couldn't help her then.  maybe i can help her next time.

Orange Julius Flying United

all those lives down there, all those people, all those little pet puppies, all those fucking rats crawling through the sewer, they're all down there, they're all there, and i'm up here, up here, up here, and they're down there, the orange bleeds over the dark clouds that threaten those down there, doesn't bother me up here, the orange bleeds all over as the sun sets, sets down across an orange red pink crack across the horizon, a crack of salvation between the darkness above and the darkness below, oh, lawdy, oh, lawdy, fucking campbells soup can with windows cut out sailing through the sky with all us little chunky chickens floating within, we're up here, they're down there.

what are they doing, what are they doing while i do this, what are they thinking, what are they thinking while i think this, are they wondering about me as i wonder about them, do they give a flying fuck about me and my life and the fact that i have to piss like a fucking russian race horse but the fucking drink cart is coming down the aisle and it really does quite the effective job of blocking said aisle so i simply have to sit here and stare out at them down there, those that don't give a fuck that i have to piss, all i want to do is simply drain the lizard, practice the fine art of being able to unzip, pull out my cock, lean over and spit and begin to urinate all in one smooth motion, it's an art, it's a science in a moving bumpy airplane.

little cars driving on ribbons, actually, little lights moving across assumed ribbons, me the trusting soul that most of those down there in the midwest are obeying the law and driving on the road, you got a lot a nerve saying you are my friend when all you do is stand there grinning, if hip hop can sample can i sample would bob mind would bob mind would bob mind if i simply slid in a little line from one of his songs it seems so apropos it's not really plagiarizing it's more like sampling, n'est-ce pas?  anyway, they do, they do have a lot of nerve calling themselves my friend, it's right there on the sign entering their town, i know it is, i know it is, every little fucking town in the midwest says it, they all have that sign, welcome, friend, it usually says, or, podunk, missouri, where we are your friend, they all claim to have some special corner on being friendly, but, they got a lot of nerve, i wonder if they think i have a lot of nerve, if they were really a true friend they would step right up and say, hey, joe, you are such a schmuck for saying that about me, but they're not, they're not down there, but i will say it to them, because i like them as a friend...

the orange bleeds, it bleeds for you, it bleeds for me.  just like fucking jesus christ, a big bloody orange pulp of salvation, the final rays of the day creating a bloody fucking cross to wash away my sins, to wash away my sins, please wash away my sins, send a sweet little mary magdalene to wash away something, a sin, a morsel from my chin, a smudge from my cheek, wash it away, cleanse my sould, purge my heart.

what are they doing, what are they doing while i'm up here.  there are church steeples down there, there are lots of churches down there, there are a lot of holy people down there, holy, holy, holy, hallelujah, hallelujah, they all drive to church on sundays, they all drive to church on sunday mornings and then again on sunday night and then again on wednesday evenings and then there's revival week, there's the tent revival in the fall, fall is a good time for revival, harvest time and all that, i love a good revival, all the young maidens in their sunday best in the hot sweaty tent with the moisture forming beneath the wireframe of their lucious saved breasts, the little bit of moisture forming, in neat little crescents, beneath the armpit, hmmmm, lovely, they are holding that hymnal in their arms in their milky white arms, holding it up close to those sweet fountains of motherhood, milky white throats warbling to the lord, calling christian soldiers, dig.

i want her, i want her up here with me, not down there with the holies, i want her up here with me, singing to me in the heathen skies, providing holiness in these hedonistic skies, i want to have her sensuous salvation soaked milky white self here on my lap here, i want to be fucking saved, baby, i want to be saved fucking, give me give me give me, save me baby, salvation is mine, baby, mile high, baby, sing for me baby, sing for me.

what are they doing down there, do they wonder what we're doing up here.

i wonder if amelia earhart ever fucked an eskimo.

i wonder if jesus really ever fucked mary magdalene.

Red Carpet Club Blues

cnn is the channel of choice, or perhaps by contract, all the news, all the time, baby, gotta know, gotta know, gotta know, and the clocks are big and white and appear to be very, very international looking, in that retro-german-train-station-sort-of-way, and tick tock it does tick tock it does, as we all sit in our very comfortable chairs, arranged in little pods, little social pods, we're such a social group, us fuck-ups, but not hugely social, because we only want little pods with four chairs, and each individual flying takes up their own little pod, and we're scattered around talking on cell phones and clicking clicking clicking away on laptop computers, and there are trees, tastefully distributed about the place, adorning a pod here, standing against a window there, giving me a landscape of sorts as it melds into the airfield and tarmac and the greater eastern plains that surround the denver airport, which is such a misnomer, the fucking place is almost to wyoming it's so fucking far out here in the prairie, oh, give me a fucking home, where the big old fucking buffalo roam, baby, ride me a buffalo, and how did fucking a city named buffalo end up in fucking new york, but we don't worry about such things here at the red carpet club it's so nice and clean and vacuumed daily and polished cherry-looking wood tables, and the trees, i almost forgot, the trees, i think that they are philodendron, or at least they look like the dying one in my living room, hey, we try to water the lousy tree, it's not like it asks for water when it's thirsty, the fucking dogs let us know when they're thirsty, for christ  sake, but we don't have to worry about watering the plants here because someone in a green shirt is doing it now, an izod-looking golf shirt with some logo, looks like some guy fucking a watermelon, but, hey, here in the plains states, they take what they can get, but we don't need to take here at the red carpet club, they give, they provide, with coffee and a little espresso machine and apples and juices and guys and gals that come around and clean up after our lazy asses and lots of newspapers, business rags mostly, the wall street journal, don't you know, the ft, baby, the financial times, the pink sheets, and baron's and maybe the local paper, the denver rag, and i always like to read the editorial page of the local rags of each city i visit, just to see, and just to see, and this paper, well, let's just say, well, let's just say we ain't in san francisco anymore toto, know what i mean, butterbean, but here in the red carpet club, we are above all that, we are genteel, we are cool, there is fucking dude standing right here in front of me holding his cell phone up the window to get better reception and he's yelling, he said that? he said that? so that we can all hear him, and the club all looks up, as if on cue, and gives him the i beg your pardon look with the raised upper lip...

gotta go.

ah the company of men that i don't want to fuck that i don't think about fucking that i don't even make a sideways glance and think what if ah the company of men

i can sit here all night i can pour myself another glass of cheap port i can roll myself another cigarette i can place i can place i can place my mind i can place in my mind the true purpose i can pontificate i can irritate i can be fucking academic i can be intellectual i can laugh deeply i can be fucking sarcastic i can be macho i can be i can be i can be a fucking asshole ah yes a fucking asshole i can be a fucking priest i can be godly i can be i can be i can be

i can talk about music but i can't be the music

i can talk with words but i can't be the words

i can't cry

i can't cry

i can be their best fucking buddy i can be their best fucking buddy i can look them in the eye and spit and fart and pat them on the back.